You want helpful advice? Try this.

Because of the title of my blog, I get a lot of people wandering in here looking for help on various topics. I mostly write about being pregnant, having a kid, caring for a newborn and dealing with a neurotic little dog. I also write about boobs, taints, poop, and various other bodily fluids. And I have a bit of a potty mouth. Put it all together and it makes for some rather interesting Google searches that land people here.

But what amazes me is what people will Google search while looking for legitimate help for legitimate problems. The one that grates my nerves the most is people who look for searches such as, and including, "How to make dog stop shitting in the house." OKAY, let's discuss here. I'm sorry your dog is defecating, pooping, relieving himself in the house. See what I did there? I used a socially acceptable term for "shitting." Guess what? If you're looking for actual help and advice for how to make your dog stop "shitting" in the house, I can guarantee it is not going to be on a web site that refers to it as such. You are a moron. Your dog probably "shits" in the house because you are too stupid to train him, or he recognizes that you are stupid and "shits" in the house because he hates you.

How about Google searching "house training my dog"? Yes, I refer to it on my blog as "shitting" because I long ago house trained my dog (mostly), and because I'm not a moron. You're probably the exact same people who go into restaurants and swear up a storm while loudly complaining, after eating an entire meal, and demanding your meal be comped. NO. No, it doesn't work that way. Society doesn't work that way. LEARN HOW TO GOOGLE SEARCH AND LEARN HOW TO ACT IN SOCIETY.

Seriously. I never realized it, but your Google behavior is a pretty good indicator of the type of person you are. If I ever go back for my master's, I'm going to do my thesis on Google. I think this is even more brilliant than my bachelor's senior thesis on the communication implications of bathroom stall graffiti.

If you are here because of such a Google search, know that I know what you Google searched, and I think you are an idiot.

Oh, and other idiots that land here that I really wish wouldn't: people who search things like, "How not to become prego." Guess what, moron, it's called PREGNANT. Search for something like BIRTH CONTROL. Or, I don't know, STERILIZATION, because if you're Google searching by called it "prego," then you have a LOT to learn before you should even begin to do something that may put you in charge of the existence of another human being. Just get a dog. And learn how to make sure it doesn't "shit" on the carpet.

Then we get the usual icky-icky-poo's, the disgusting people that somehow get here by searching for "how to become an adult baby." YOU PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING. I work to the point of exhaustion every day changing diaper, after diaper, after diaper, and having a seven-week-old child screaming in my ear. And here are disgusting pervs who sit and shit themselves on purpose, and people who enjoy changing adult diapers on people who sit and shit themselves -- all for a sexual thrill. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!

Gaaahhh... people. People are just wrong. Just wrong, I tell you.