Not funny.

Why, oh why, am I surrounded by people who do things they think are funny but AREN'T? First I had my husband tricking me into juggling a pair of period-stained panties that, mind you, did not belong to me. Now my mother has joined the ranks (or reaffirmed her position on the public enemy list) by handing out my cell phone number all willy-nilly.

Yesterday I had a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. Based on the area code, I knew it was coming from my hometown (it's not the same area code as the anal passage of the world state where I presently live). But I'm anti-social, and I was just about to go clean up another diaper blowout, so I let it go to voicemail. I come back, check the voicemail, and it's a guy that I will call Jimmy.

"Hi [Prego], this is Jimmy Whatshisname, from [hometown.] I ran into your mom today at the mall, and we got to talking, I asked what you were up to these days and she told me how you're married now and have a little girl, congratulations. Then she gave me your cell phone number and said I should give you a call. I'd love to hear from you, so give me a ring, my number is [whatever], and I'll talk to you soon!"

Okay. Nice enough. But let me tell you about Jimmy. He was THE biggest dork in school. Which there is nothing wrong with being a dork. I was a dork. But he was one of those loser dorks that has absolutely no clue of his status, and exists with the same cockiness of the most popular guy in school -- and he thinks the popular crowd is his friends. He wound up dating -- and knocking up -- girls much younger than us, because they were too far behind in school to know that he was completely rejected by people his own age.

I was with the same boyfriend through all of high school, and we were notorious for the on-again, off-again. We were "off" for about one week. During this week, Jimmy asked me out. I politely declined. He then -- and I'm completely serious here, and so was he when he asked -- asked me if we could just "hook up." Jimmy was repulsive on top of being a dork. And he was serious. Want to talk about creeping me out? I was creeped out. And he asked me out almost every day leading up to prom, despite the fact that I had a boyfriend I'd been with for years, and it was assumed we'd be going together.

He was an oblivious dork with a superiority complex who just would NOT GET THE POINT.

And now, five years later, he has my cell phone number thanks to my mom.

This is like the adult version of your mom making you take the geek to the school dance. I know I've discussed with my mother about Jimmy (small town, everyone knew everyone, so I know she can't claim ignorance here). And she agreed that he was creepy and a skeez. And I know Jimmy. I know he will keep calling, whether I talk to him or not. I could ignore the call altogether but he will just keep calling. This is why I don't hand out my cell phone number all willy-nilly. I will sit here and tell you about my taint stitches, my bowel movements, my sex life, my menstruation, whatever you want to know... but my cell phone number is sacred.

This is payback for something I did, I'm sure.