An indecent proposal.

I will give a blow job to whomever can ensure me one, JUST ONE, night of deep, uninterrupted sleep. Maybe then I can stop storming through the house at 3 a.m. mumbling (okay, screaming), "Who in the big blue FUCK do I have to blow to sleep for four hours without being woken up?"

Be it a crying baby, the dog barking at the neighbor's dog, or my husband propositioning me just as I drift off to sleep, it feels like I haven't slept more than two consecutive hours at a time since my second trimester. Especially lately. In a play that will make any mother wince at my unfortunate lot, Punky is cutting not one, not two, not three, but FOUR teeth right now. Her two upper lateral incisors (the vampire fangs) have both cut through, and her central incisors feel like they will pop through any second. My poor little bunny.

If you've ever been around an infant for more than two hours, you know that any and all asshole behavior from a baby can be attributed to either colic or teething. I've never dealt with colic, but holy shit this kid's been unbearable since the teeth debacle. And I don't blame her. I feel absolutely horrible because she is fucking miserable. You name the teething remedy, I have done it. And still she spends 2/3 of her day sleeping, and the other third screaming, writhing, dropping drool everywhere, and chewing furiously on anything she can get her mouth on.

Add a fever and an ear infection -- which thanks to A's genetics, she's very prone to -- and it has been just an AWESOME three days.

But anyway. Blow jobs. Man or woman, I don't care. Kenyan night nurse. Whatever. One night. Just one night. And the fellatio is all yours. Hahaha, hehehe, haha, heeeeee...