Brain garbage.

There are a lot of judgments and statements I made in my assholish pre-child days that I wish I could suck back in my mouth and abolish from my head. Like, "WHY are they so slow with strollers?" and "Can't she just shut that kid up?" I've learned valuable lessons, karma has bitch-slapped me plenty of times, and I "get" it a lot more. Behind just about every tantrum-throwing kid in Target is a mortified mother who's doing her damnedest to just get out of the goddamn store ("Chips! I just need chips! And then we are DONE!"). Strollers are a whore to maneuver, especially in mall stores.

Before I had a child, I thought that perhaps normal, rational, maybe-even-really-cool human beings just instantly dropped their brains out with the placenta, because I hailed just about everyone with a child as idiots based on their public behaviors. After I had a child, I still regarded many of these people as idiots, but I rationalized that they must have just been fucking stupid before having kids, and having kids just exacerbated it. Because you know what, a lot of parents are fucking retarded. It is possible to go in public and see beyond your Speshul Snowflake and realize that the world is filled with people, still, despite the fact that you had a kid.

I get that. I still adamantly refuse to be "THAT" parent, shopping and sitting in the restaurant totally oblivious to the screaming child. (Note: I don't have a toddler. This whole rant will probably change in about two years.) I have become much more aware of parents with toddlers whose methods I respect and hail, and I smile approvingly at while taking mental notes.

But I think the real Parental Retardation kicks in when your child turns to television programming. Sometimes the only thing that works on Punk is to turn on Baby Einstein or Nick Jr. and just let her stand in her walker, mushy Cheerio's and sippy cup at her disposal. And JESUS FUCKING CHRIST the programming NUMBS MY FUCKING SKULL. Baby Einstein would be amazing if I could get high, but the rest just turns my brains to mush.

Today I was sitting and staring at The Backyardigans as Punky gleefully kicked and coo'ed, remembering when I was cool. I used to spend hours in coffee houses discussing political campaign strategy and dissecting campaign speeches. I used to use big words. I used to wear something slightly more put-together than Adidas gym pants and a Kappa Alpha philanthropy t-shirt. Now I sit here and wonder, "What's going to happen to Tyrone's tuba?"

This is why parents in public are retarded. Because children's programming, combined with MY LACK OF BENEFICIAL, BEAUTIFUL SLEEP eventually your brain turns to mush.

Blow job offer still stands.