"DO YOU DO ANYTHING SPECIAL FOR BIRTHDAYS?"
NO. NO WE DON'T. And FUCK YOU for asking!
I'm temporarily retired from serving because I got too fat pregnant, but I still have the mind, heart and soul of a server. And seeing this video made me laugh my proverbial balls off, if for one thing: the birthday celebrations.
Thankfully, I'm now at a restaurant that doesn't do anything for birthdays -- if I really like the table I'm serving, I might put a candle in your dessert if you order one, but that's only if I like you and if I really feel like it. Other than that, tough shit. You're another year older -- guess what, you're like, 30, not five. You can make it through a meal without other grown adults doing a song and dance routine for you. I promise.
Prior to my current place of employment, though, I suffered the horrible misfortune of working at Olive Garden. Olive Garden is the asshole of the world. I see commercials on TV and I can feel my blood pressure hike a few more points. I could go on forever about why I hated Olive Garden and why you should never, ever eat there with anyone you love. But one of the biggest things I hated was the birthday song. Oh sweet Jesus, the birthday song. If you're reading this and you think it is cute or funny to make your server -- and the rest of the serving staff do a song and dance for your birthday, or for your friend's birthday -- I hate you. Your server hates you. The serving staff hates you. There is nothing cute, or funny, or fun about making your server degrade themselves into singing for you. The rest of the restaurant doesn't care that it's your birthday either. Again -- if you want a big party and a song and dance routine, go to Chuck E. Cheese. Those automated puppets will sing just for you.
These little girls are enjoying their birthday with song
and celebration. That's very nice. Also notice
that they are 4 or 5. They aren't 34 and irritating.
Near the end of my Olive Garden tenure, I had a guest ask me -- after forcing me to sing and celebrate another grown-ass adult's birthday like they were six years old -- if we liked doing it. I responded, "Actually, I die a little bit inside every time I have to do it." They looked like I'd just shat a dookie on their table. But you know what, it's true -- every server hates doing it. And the ones that don't hate doing it, and are WAY too into it, are fucking tools, and everyone they work with hates them.
Anyway. My point. I had a point here. Oh yeah, I saw this video on Funny or Die and laughed my ass off through the entire thing. Pay special attention at about the 1 minute mark. That is exactly what I wish that I could say and do whenever I get asked this question. So if you're reading this, just know this: nobody in the world cares that it is your birthday except you. So get over yourself. Happy goddamn birthday.
1 comments:
No...you reminded me. Dammit.
"Howdy happy birthday, this is your special day, we're glad you came to Lonestar--"
No. No we're not. Fuck off and die.
The only time I kind of enjoyed it was when the person we were singing for clearly hated it as much as we did, and were glaring daggers at their companions.
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