Social graces.

While the negatives are few, the biggest drawback to having a shamelessly adorable baby is that everyone wants to talk to you and/or Baby, no matter where you go. I feel like such an asshole, whining about all the people who compliment me about my gorgeous child, but seriously, it sucks when the majority of your social interactions are either with A.) a nine-month-old infant whose political and social commentary all revolve around the "Da-da-da-da" and "Pffffffft!" platforms, or B.) a grown-man who still thinks dutch-ovening you in bed is hilarious.

So I never know how to talk to people. I am one step up from Gollum from Lord of the Rings, hissing at daylight and scuttling back into my hut. And I only get that one step up because I put on a bra before I leave the house. And if you're really lucky, deodorant.

I mean, what do you say exactly, when you hear, "What a beautiful baby!" I get the whole "Thank you" part, I'm good at that, but after that, I'm a one-trick pony. I'm limited to polite smiling and jostling Punky, trying to make her smile so it's not so awkward while she stares blank-faced at the strangers she encounters throughout the day who apparently know her, since after all, they're all talking to her.

It stemmed from when I was pregnant and would have every random stranger, old lady, and creepy prego-fetish guy rubbing my stomach and talking to me about being pregnant. This is just the natural evolution of that. My ventures to Wal-Mart *shudder* usually involve old ladies and/or cashiers telling me parenting tips, one or two people giving me disapproving looks while I use Punky as an accomplice in my passive-aggressive attacks ("See? THAT is why Mommy got an IUD!"), and two or three fleeting check-outs from guys who weigh their options with a moderately hot chick who, unfortunately, has 25 lbs. of baggage sitting in the cart, and I'm not talking about the sack of potatoes.

I suck at small talk. And I'm barely socially acceptable when I do talk to people, so I never know what to say. And when I do talk, most people don't understand my sarcasm and they just get weirded out and stop talking to me. Which really, isn't all that bad, but then I start feeling guilty for alienating people unintentionally.

("Awww, someone looks tired!" "I knew I should've grabbed concealer when we were in cosmetics.")

It's a good thing I don't have an ugly kid, though, because then I probably wouldn't be able to get away with 99% of the shit I say in public. Because it's cute when it's spouting from the crazy bitch who made such a cute widdle baaaaayyyy-bee.