Baby shower shopping shenanigans.

I had to swing by Babies 'R Us today to pick up some last minute stuffers for a baby shower gift, and couldn't help but notice some auspiciously childless, far-too-fit women circling the store with the obvious baby registry gifts. And they all looked lost, bewildered, and confused. I just wanted to walk over, pat them on their backs and look them in their eyes, which don't have dark circles under them from waking up multiple times in the night, and tell them, "Here. Let me help."

I didn't have to shop for baby-related items much before I had Punky because at 23, I'm the frontrunner in my group of friends in the Great Spawning Race. But I think there's so much people don't know about giving gifts to an expectant mother -- especially a first-time mom -- that I feel like I need to intervene. (Mostly because I'm a pro at offering unsolicited advice.)

1.) Don't buy clothes. Seriously. I know they're cute and teeny teeny tiny, but trust me on this, don't get clothes. I kind of lost count how many gift boxes of shamelessly adorable baby clothes I got for Punky, and after nine months, I can think of maybe two or three instances that I bought her clothes. That's what grandma's are for. Trust me. When it comes to baby showering for the first time mom, it's all about the necessities, most of which first-time moms (or FTM's, if you wlil) never even think about. They're too distracted by cute clothes. I know the registry has a shitton of clothes on it, but trust me. Save that FTM from herself and just steer clear.

1a.) If you insist on buying something clothing related, get onesies in multiple sizes (at 9 months, we have like no onesies that fit Punky anymore, but we had an assload at 3 months), or socks. Those are two things a mom can never have enough of, and they're cheap.

1b.) And if you're still going to bypass my warning to not buy clothes, don't buy the itty-bitty sizes, like "Preemie" (what the fuck is that about? Punky might have fit those when she was an embryo. Cute, yes, practical, no.) Even 0-3 months is a stretch. 3-6 months are usually a safe size. I had to pack a lot of Punky's 0-3 month clothes before they'd even been worn because she'd outgrown them approximately 3 minutes after she was born.

1c.) And if for some reason after all this you really think you want to get clothes, consider seasons. Punky was born in February in the midwest, and yet she got 0-3 month sunsuits. I know, they're cute, but somehow I think CPS would have gotten called on me if I took her outside in that.

2.) Diapers, diapers, diapers. I know it's boring, but it's one gift you know will get tons of use. Diapers in multiple sizes. Go crazy. Instead of dumping cash on clothes and stuffed animals, just buy tons of jumbo packs of diapers and wipes.

3.) NEVER EVER EVER GIVE STUFFED ANIMALS. I know, they're cute, and they're right by the register begging for you to buy them, and wouldn't it be cute to see a baby with a teddy bear? Yeah, probably, but everyone who has never had a kid gives FTM stuffed animals. I have two garbage bags of stuffed animals for Punk that I'm just keeping to use as incentives and gifts between now and when she's like, 8. For awhile, though, I had no idea what to do with them, and since she was co-sleeping with us anyway, her stuffed animals wound up here:


(God, I can't believe she was that small once...what? I was writing a blog post? Oh yeah, anyway...)

4.) If you want a cute idea, get a baby bathtub (if it's on the registry) and fill it with the bath essentials, which are usually also on the registry. Baby body wash, lotion, wash cloths, towels, etc. And PS, babies don't need bath robes. Don't buy a baby a bath robe. That's just retarded.

5.) Desitin. Baby Tylenol. Mylecon. First aid kits. Did I mention Desitin? Buy these. They're not cute frilly outfits and they're not stuffed animals, but I can tell you exactly who bought me all of the above for my baby shower, because I owe them my soul. Along with people who bought diapers, who also read this blog, who are awesome photographers.

6.) Go in with a few friends and get something bigger, like a stroller, or a car seat, or something like that.

7.) If all else fails, just get a gift card to wherever the mom's registered. I know some people are really opposed to the idea of gift cards, but they helped me survive the first six months when A. and I were more or less broke, but still needed diapers, or random baby things we never thought about. I still have a little bit left of the gift cards. They're a life saver and they are way better for the clueless gift-giver than a teddy bear that will wind up in a garbage bag in the basement.

I'm sure I'll think of more. But these'll at least help you look a little less lost. And don't mind me staring daggers at you from across the store. I'm just really, really tired.