There are intelligent, rational people...

... and then there are complete idiots that come into the restaurant I work at.

It really baffles me how normal, rational logic disappears when people come through those big double doors sometimes. Don't get me wrong -- we have a lot of customers ("guests" as I'm frequently reminded to refer to them as... whatever, we take their money, they're all customers and a payoff to my credit card bills to me) that are great people, really interesting, very intelligent... you know, NORMAL. But then, every once in a while, we get people that I am just amazed Darwin's Law hasn't sorted out yet. And for some reason they all at some point or another show up in my humble restaurant.

People think I'm being harsh. No, I'm not. I have seen just about everything and at this point in my young life I've lost most of my faith in humanity. I'm convinced that by being halfway functionally intelligent, I am a minority. To further prove my point, I will provide instances in which normal, intelligent thought has lost out to complete dumbassery:

SITUATION 1: DUMBASS PARENTING (part 1)
You Would Think...: "My child is restless and squirmy, and tends to scream for long periods of time. Perhaps she is too young to be in a sit-down, more adult-oriented restaurant."
But No, Instead...: "Let's go out to eat in a sit-down, more adult-oriented restaurant!"

SITUATION 2: DUMBASS PARENTING (part 2)
You Would Think...: "My child can't sit still in the booth and has been screaming for a long period of time. I should take her outside until she calms down, or maybe we should pack up our meal and go home."
But No, Instead...: "My child should not be confined to a booth! No, instead, she should crawl around on the floor, right around this corner here where there are tons of servers coming out with handfuls of plates of scalding hot food, trays full of drinks, and other things that may be potentially harmful if these servers were to trip over my child! Yes, this is an excellent play area!"

SITUATION 3: OFF-MENU ORDERING
You Would Think...: "The restaurant doesn't have exactly what I want. I should approach the menu with an open mind and order something printed on this menu, in my hands, that sounds delicious."
But No, Instead...: "I am going to demand something that is absolutely NOT on the menu, and there is no way the restaurant could even attempt to accommodate my ridiculous demands. So when the waitress kindly explains it's not possible, I will throw an all-out temper tantrum. Despite the fact I am a grown, 50-year-old man."

SITUATION 4: UNFAMILIAR WITH THE RESTAURANT?
You Would Think...: "It's a busy Friday night, and I bet the restaurant is very busy right now. I'm not entirely sure what kind of food is served, but maybe if I look for the restaurant menu online, or maybe I stop in on a slower day, I can learn a little more about the cuisine served."
But No, Instead...: "It's a busy Friday night. I'm going to call the overworked, stressed out hostesses right now and demand they read me the entire menu and explain each item in depth!"

SITUATION 5: SOCIALLY DEPRIVED
You Would Think...: "I'm lonely and bored. Maybe I'll call [Jim, Mabel, Jane, Dick, Ethel, etc....] and see how they are doing today."
But No, Instead... "I will call up that restaurant and ask one slightly tangentially related menu question, then chat up the hostess, who is trying to answer other ringing lines and seat guests at the restaurant! AND NEVER SHUT UP!"

SITUATION 6: CLOSING TIME
You Would Think...: "It is 9:55. The restaurant closes in five minutes. We should probably just hit up the drive-thru, as it would be very rude to come into an otherwise empty restaurant right now."
But No, Instead...: "Let's go in and have a three course meal! And stay and chat over coffee for an extra hour!"

SITUATION 7: SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY
You Would Think...: "Wow, our waitress is working really hard to make sure we have everything we need, and it's obvious she's very pregnant and still running her buns off. I'm sure she's tired. We would like another basket of bread, but can see she has three other tables right now. We've asked her, I'm sure it's coming as soon as she can get it."
But No, Instead...: "WHERE THE HELL IS MY BREAD??? This is absolutely unfair and rude and inconsiderate to us! Tell that knocked up bitch to hurry the hell up with our bread! We are going to die if it is not on our table in 10 seconds. BREEEEEAAAAADDDD!!! RAAAWWRRR!!!!"

SITUATION 8: DIRTY TABLE
You Would Think...: "There is a restaurant full of open tables, as it is not very busy. Let's pick a nice, clean table and enjoy a lovely meal."
But No, Instead...: "Oh look, I like this one, single, solitary dirty table right here. Clearly if it is dirty, it is because it is such a nice, popular table that everyone has sat here. I'm going to sit here and look very annoyed until someone notices me, then sit like a queen on her throne while the table is bussed in front of me. I like seeing the entire restaurant experience, down to the quick, NASCAR-style table bussing."

There's plenty more examples, but I have to work tonight and if I let my bitterness fester too much it's going to make for a very long shift. On top of that, it's Saturday, which is by and large the most popular day for our natural selection escapees. People wonder why my blog is so bitter and raging all the time.... this is why.