I made the rookie toddler parent mistake of walking out of the room for about two minutes yesterday, to deign to do something as absurd as urinate, and came back to the newest page in the long epic novel that is "Holy shit my kid is the antichrist I need an exorcist what the fuck have I gotten myself into?"
She had found a 3/4 full can of Mountain Dew. Was holding it, marveling at its shiny exterior and the sloshy, surely-illegal-to-toddler inside. Looked at me as I entered the room. And what ensued was one of those slow motion moments where you hurl yourself -- slowly, and in futility -- at your child and the can of Mountain Dew while moaning, "Noooooooooooooooooooooo..."
Then she proceeded to look at me, smile, and pour it all over herself.
That's when my world snapped back to regular speed. "WHAT THE HELL, KID?!" I yelled, taking the Mountain Dew away from her. "ARE YOU IN A DAMN RAP VIDEO?"
People joke at the Terrible Two's. And we all laugh and roll our eyes, and we say, "Oh, my kid wasn't as bad as people say they get!" And we act like we don't have bruises up and down our legs from stopping impending doom multiple times a day, or pounds of makeup to cover up the massive dark circles under our eyes. But they're there.
Chapters in this ongoing novel shall be titled as such:
"No, Punk, stop ripping shit off the shelves."
"I said stop beating the dog with the spatula."
"The dog's water dish is not where Mommy's memory card reader and digital camera go." (R.I.P., Memory Card Reader.)
"If you don't stop screaming I swear to GOD I will sell you on CraigsList."
"Why does this room smell like pee?" (And the follow-up question/chapter, "How did you manage to get pee all the way across the room?!")
"Poop on wall is not an appropriate medium for expressing your inner angst."
"Seriously? In your hair?"
"Trying to carry that disproportionately large bucket of water is going to end badly for you, and you're going to have no one to blame but yourself."
"Going Headfirst Down A Slide: Why You Will Regret This Choice"
"Oh really? That's what you think? Yeah? Well BOO-YAH, mandatory naptime, motherfucker!"
"What plane of reality do you live on where this is okay?"
"I recall with a relatively high degree of certainty that I said no."
"Jesus Christ. I've become my mother."
7 hours ago
7 comments:
Ha ha ha! People always warned me about the terrible two's but I found 3 to be the worst. Don't worry, things start really looking up at 4 and 5. LOL
Haha, holy god I've become my mother! = best.
BTW, I managed to get on mom's computer so I could read your blog.
And print off the course I'm applying for to show my awesome grandma, because she's paying for it.
(:
Have a great weekend !!
I love that you cuss as much as I do. You know, AT your kid. Chebbles has starting calling her stuffed animals "a pain in the ass."
Where did she get that from??
SM, it's a habit I'm reeeaaaally trying to work on (sort of). Especially now that she is getting to the "Monkey See/Hear, Monkey Do/Say" stage. I've caught her yelling "GOT-DAMMIT!" so we know we're to the point that a little censorship is needed. A little.
When she does it in front of A., I mention that Jabba next door tends to scream obscenities at her child. She must've gotten it from her.
Freaking Hilarious!! Please write a book!
I know you've heard this story before, but my middle child's ability to use the phrase 'ahh fuck' in the right context was how the speech therapist deduced that his linguistic delays were motor related rather than cognitive. Sheesh, kids'll kill ya.
Oh, and seriously, that list makes me love Punky even more. Truly book-worthy material there.
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