So much for being a martyr.

After our exhilarating experience of going three days without heat, but limping along thanks to space heaters provided by our amazing HVAC company, and with the sheer joy of Christmas-time finances as it is, A. and I have come to the definitive conclusion: we're broke.

Not broke like foreclosure, out on the streets, feeding my baby scraps from the trash and wearing really mismatched sweats. But things are definitely tight, and I have to cut back on my "extra" spending (read: spending $80 to color my hair when I have nobody to impress but a 9 month old, who is more content to rip it out of my scalp than admire the subtle yet amazing face-framing carmel highlights, or my designer purse collection that on its own raises our home equity).

But we have heat. Praise Flying Spaghetti Monster, we have heat and our house is currently 68 degrees without fear of the boiler dying again. So Merry Christmas for that.

Anyway. Because A. is completely incapable of keeping a secret, he accidentally slip that he was getting me a new laptop for Christmas. It's definitely a gift that I need, but I don't NEED need it. The same day we got the estimate for the boiler install, he told me that he was expecting "a package," and was unable to get a refund on it since it shipped before he could cancel it, so to refuse shipment when it arrived. Okay, specifically what he said was, "Just bring it inside, don't look at it, and I'll ship it out when I go to work."

Disheartened and really disappointed, I assumed it was because we are poor and the last thing we need to spend money on is a new laptop when mine works alright, despite being 4 years old, randomly turning off because something needs soldered inside, and the wireless connection blows. I accepted it for what it was, told him I would refuse the shipment, and moved on.

So we fast forward to yesterday afternoon when Fed Ex arrived. I knew that box. I knew the shape. I knew what it was. And the surly Fed Ex delivery woman (understandably surly) was holding out the signature pad to me when I got the genius idea that I would save A. the extra step in taking the package back to Fed Ex, and I would just deny it right here. Business handled. My God, I'm a fucking genius, and such a caring, considerate wife!

It sucked, dude. Turning away my Christmas present, that I know exactly what it is, and I really, really want it, but we're poor now. I can't have it. No thank you, Fed Ex lady, take it away. Take it away before I sob uncontrollably, holding onto your ankle as you drag me, kicking and screaming, to your truck to take my beautiful new laptop...er, I mean, present... away forever. Because we're poor and I can't have nice things.

Immediately after the truck left, I texted A. to tell him I'd just denied it at the door. To which I got this response:

"R U fuckin serious?"

Um... yes?

So basically, to paraphrase the panicked, angry phone calls that ensued -- A. had ordered two of these "things" (okay, laptop, I spoiled Christmas for myself here). One on purpose, but the credit hadn't appeared on his statement so he thought it hadn't gone through. This first one apparently had special discounts and special custom things for me, but he thought he'd lost the transaction. So he bought another "thing", more expensive but without the custom stuff, because he thought the first purchase never happened. Then it turned out the first purchase DID happen, it just didn't turn up on the statement right away. (You still following me here?) So he tried to cancel the second "thing" but it had already shipped. It was too late to refund. HENCE... why he'd told me we'd have to send this "thing" back.

I didn't know there were two "things". I didn't know there was the good thing and the unwanted thing. I just knew I had to send my thing away. This was one of those points where A. exasperatedly asks me, "Did you actually listen to me?", to which I exclaim with wounded, huge anime eyes that OF COURSE, I did, I just didn't understand... and in the back of my mind I know all I heard that night was, "Blah blah blah send your pretty new laptop back because we're poor and I don't love you blah blah blah" and oh hey, is that a marathon of America's Next Top Model?

So there have been frantic yet sugary-sweet phone calls to Fed Ex, basically saying, "I'm sorry, I'm dumb and I don't listen to anything my husband says and I didn't mean it, I really swear I didn't mean it, please please please can I have it back, pleeeaaaaassse?" Luckily we caught it in time that we fixed my mistake and they said they'd drop it by the next day. (Today.)

And figures I waited all day (signature was required), and finally ran to the store, came down the street on my way home just as the Fed Ex truck was pulling away. So now I'm waiting for 6 p.m. to roll around so I can go and pick up my mysterious present, and have it safe and sound at home. Where I will stare longingly for it for another two weeks while I sit on this laptop praying for its death.