I get by with a little help from MySpace

Sometimes I get down on myself. It happens. Life's stressful, I look like an orca whale, I can't drink alcohol, and sometimes I poop a lot. And when life gets me down, I used to partake in an activity I call Scuttlebug Hunting -- going to Wal-Mart at 3 a.m. and checking out the scuttlebugs of society. Remember when you were a kid and would move a big rock or concrete brick, and there'd be all these weird bugs that would run around from day light?

Yeah, those people. They live in the Wal-Mart, I think, and come out around midnight. Seeing them, no matter how bad life seems at that given point in time, makes me feel a little bit better. That, and sometimes you just need to go to Wal-Mart and buy some useless, cheaply made Chinese plastic doodads to feel better about life. I have like eight Kool-Aid pitchers I'll probably never use and a failed sea monkey farm as a result of these trips.

Thankfully the Internet has cut down on my need to look down on others in the Wal-Mart to feel better about myself. Thanks to the social wonder of MySpace, the societal scuttlebugs now come to me! And boy do they in droves. It fascinates me that these people actually publish themselves on MySpace, or the Internet at large, when it's so easy to just throw up a picture of Heidi Klum and make yourself into a swimsuit model with about as much effort as it takes to make a profile about your real self.

Go ahead and look at me like a bad person for making fun of these people, but you know what, it's funny, and if these people are stupid enough to put crap like this up on a public forum, then they deserve to be made fun of and used for the sake of my own sadistic self-esteem issues....

First, we've got ladies like this little flower here...


Okay, no amount of bleach to my eyes will burn this image out of them. It's haunting. Worse yet, Seductress here has a SERIES of photos like this. This is about the only one that doesn't make me physically ill, just mildly nauseous. But perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this picture is the fact that she captioned it, "Peanut and I were playing with my camera..." and a few pictures prior labeled aforementioned "Peanut" as one of her children,probably about six years old. Yes, she decided to play Orca Whale Porno Time with her CHILD and a digital camera. When I become so lonely that I need my grade-school-aged child to take seductive photos of me, I expect to be dismembered and then flogged to death with my own limbs and raped by a goat... seriously, someone take note of this, because I vow to never reach that point in my life.

Then ya get people like this guy, who incidentally I went to high school with...


In his profile, he so eloquently describes himself as a "fucking POTHEAD AND A JUGGALO FOR FUCKING LIFE. FUCK MAINSTREAM BRAINWASHED SPIT BACKUP BULLSHIT." Thanks for that little bit of insight. It's even more poignant when you CAPITALIZE RANDOM PARTS OF THE SENTENCE. Also, he's a "juggalo," which for those who don't know, means he's a pothead pseudo-fan follower of the band Insane Clown Posse. His entire layout is dedicated to this band. Wow, Mike, you're SUPER COOL because you like clowns. Something people normally aren't fond of. You are so WEIRD AND UNIQUE because FUCK MAINSTREAM BRAINWASHED SPIT BACKUP BULLSHIT. Pretty sure a hyphen should be in there, but when you've got good bud and clowns around, who really needs correct grammar?

Furthermore, who needs grammar when you can have love? I present to you Mike's girlfriend...



Okay, note to the world: I don't care who you are. I don't care how attractive you are. I don't care how much you paid for them, or how good you think they make you look. GLAMOUR SHOTS ARE NEVER, NEVER, EVER A GOOD THING. Glamour Shots alone are fodder to be made fun of. Seriously. If you take Angelina Jolie, a woman that I would undeniably go gay for, tease her hair to obnoxious heights, spray paint the rejects of last season's Mary Kay line, and put some leather jacket on her, she too will look like white trash. Glamour Shots are the devil. But this treasure here is, I'm pretty sure, already white trash, so now she's just apparently half-wearing a random leather jacket and we'll call it portraiture at its finest.

And somehow in the midst of all of this, I stumbled across a lovely woman who has no problem proclaiming she loves the Lord...


... because if I could only show you -- Jesus vomited all over her page in a mess of animated GIFs and doves and crosses. You like Jesus. That's super duper. Praise the Lord. But I think even the good Lord Christ would be embarrassed by the eye-gouging display of animated, blinking graphics that you use to praise Him. Praise the Lord in song. Praise the Lord in good deeds toward others. Do not praise Jesus with bad web design.

(Hold on... still having an epileptic seizure from this crazy lady's page...)

The thing with the crazies is that they love them they's kins... this woman's page led me to her daughter's page... which is a whole new level of "Holy shit"...


Umm there's a lot just in this picture that I could write an entire megabyte in blogspace on. Easily. But instead, we'll just take a look at her "about me": "I am proud to say that I am a virgin and am planning on it till my wedding night! True Love will wait!" True love will probably also ask you to wear a paper bag on your head, lights turned off at 3 a.m. and have a few good strong shots of Jack Daniels first. Chastity and virginity are great virtues, and I can respect people waiting til marriage to have sex (after all, so you don't wind up like me with the cart before the horse... whatever, I got married to him eventually)... but really... I think genetics are giving her a big helping hand with her endeavors.

I'm agnostic (bordering and teetering on atheist), but looking at MySpace pages like these really makes me think all those crazy Christians claiming the world's about to end because the world's rife with folks like this. But maybe we all have our own special purpose in life -- to share knowledge with others, to love, to be loved, to learn from lessons life lays out for us, who knows. All I know is these people serve a great purpose for giving me something to make fun of for half an hour on my blog.

Tell Hell I'm well on my way.